Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Dog on a lilly pad

Dog on a lilly pad
Sounds like the title of a Monet painting. I received a phone call from a neighbour who also lives next to Sullivans Lake. Apparently her little dog went missing the other day. She looked everywhere to no avail then suddenly spied the pooch sitting on a mat of lilly pads in the middle of the lake.
Horrors... but thankfully the said lake is quite shallow, allowing the lady to roll up her trousers and wade thigh deep to retrieve her little lilly loiterer. Unfortunately the lady, although delighted that her dog was saved, has developed nasty looking spotty things on her legs. If you saw the Lake you would know why this has happened. It is the most toxic waterway in our town, fish are dying, ducks are sick and the water is not water at all, it is green smelly stuff.

Maybe the little dog intended to make a sit-down protest, their definitely needs to be one.
P.S At last something is being done, the Council have raised the water level and had a field day retrieving dead ferral goldfish. It's a deffinate start.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Seeing is believing

Ever been stalked?

My appointment with the optometrist, was more than disappointing, it was annoying. My new spectacles would not be arriving until early the following week.
Walking back through town, I could not help noticing I was being followed. It was embarrassing; one of those situations where you know someone is there but you cannot look straight at them in case they are genuinely going at the same speed and to the same destination as yourself.
He was on my left, perhaps a pace or two behind. I still had not got a good look at him but decided to take evasive action. Turning quickly, I waited for the traffic to ease and began crossing the busy street. I was not sorry to see the chap swing off to the left and walk away in the opposite direction. Coincidently as I turned and glanced back over my shoulder, he did exactly the same; it was then that I noticed just how large he was.
I told myself off for my judgemental attitude, ‘who cares if the poor fellow is slightly overweight’ I mumbled, ‘we all have our problems and who am I to judge.’ That was the end of it, or so I thought as I happily put the incident out of my mind.
Imagine my astonishment and annoyance to see that the cunning fellow had also crossed the road and without me noticing,he had somehow snuck around my back and was now walking on the opposite side of me.
‘I suppose he thinks I would not notice him... The fat fool’, I muttered to myself, ‘not the brightest glow worm in the cave’. Glancing out of the corner of my eye I was intrigued to notice that whoever this cheeky fellow was, except for the hugeness, he looked quite familiar. He was copying my every move, I stopped, he stopped; there were other people around and I did not want to make a scene. I tried staring at him, put my hands on my hips in an aggressive stance and stared eyeball to eyeball. He did exactly the same. Lucky for him, I soon reached my destination otherwise he would have got the old one two, the quick heave ho.
As I disappeared into the pharmacy I questioned myself as to whom this grossly overweight person could be. Did I owe him money? Was he a distant relative? Perhaps an under-cover policeman? I laughed at the thought, ‘It would have to be a very large tarpaulin to put that gargantuan under cover’, I mused.
Thankfully he did not follow me into the Chemist; I doubted that he would have successfully negotiated the shop door, full on or sideways. His tummy looked like he had swallowed a prize winning pumpkin!‘How could a man let himself go like that’, I questioned.
The pharmacy had one of those ‘speak your weight’ weighing machines. I imagined if my tubby friend had stepped on, you would have heard, ‘one at a time please’ or ‘for heaven’s sake get off!’ It was an old joke but one befitting my unbelievably humongous stalker.
My decision to leave, if possible from the rear door of that shop, was sound thinking. I would do my business then make good my escape.
‘Excuse me young man’, I called to a somewhat feminine looking attendant.‘Can I help’ he replied in an equally feminine tone.‘I hope so; I need a cheap, temporary pair of spectacles, the strongest magnification you can find'. As he aproached me to point out that I was standing right next to the spectacles display cabinet, I notice he was wearing a dress, then I glanced to my right and to my horror spotted the bulbous one, somehow he had got into the shop, I’d had enough, this had to be finished once and for all. We faced each other; put our fists up and with violent determination, I rushed forward, straight into... the full length mirror.