Real Estate defined

According to recent Government statistics, our town, Whakatane NZ has had a population increase of a mere 10 persons in the last three years. Could it be that all these people have become real estate agents? Did you know that there are in excess of 40 such agents in our fair town. Could we be the second ‘city of sales’.
Rumour has it that residence may now use their old wheelie-bins to cater for those ever increasing real estate pamphlets. What a grand idea, instead of displaying a mailbox sign ‘No Circulars’, the large bin could display much more meaningful information, such as:
I do not want to sell my home. You are not my friendly real estate agent. I don’t even know you. Who are you anyway. I don’t care that Mrs. Smith has sold her house. Clear off hairy legs.
In case you do want to buy a home here are some helpful definitions.

CROSSLEASE: When someone buys a cheap house at Lake Rotoiti (a very small settlement) and brags to their mates that they have got the bargain of the decade, then discover that they have to pay a lease fee to the owners amounting to $12,000 per year. This makes them very angry. This is a cross lease.

UNIT TITLE: ‘unit’ is an abbreviation for a ‘ewe nit’ which as every shepherd knows is a small head louse found on sheep. Obviously a ‘unit title’ is when the shepherd sees one of these lice on a ewe and addresses it as one would address a titled person, E.g. ‘Oi there’s one of them head lice watzernames on that sheep.....come out of there right now yer Majesty.’

OPEN PLAN LIVING: Dad ran out of firewood he’s too broke to buy a load so chops up all the doors in the house and chucks them onto the fire, you now have open plan living.

PANORAMIC VIEW: If you stand on the roof, on a chair, on a large copy of Webster’s dictionary, you catch a glimpse of Ohiwa Harbour.

VIEWS FOREVER: The complete works of William Shakespeare on top of the Webster’s.

ENSUITE: There is a covered walkway from the house to the long drop toilet.

FORMAL LIVING: Dad wears a suit and bow tie at home.

REFURBISHED: This house is badly in need of some tender loving care, the owner couldn’t build a dog house, he is what is commonly called a cowboy.

Final advice for those about to take the plunge into house purchase, did you know that the word mortgage literally means ‘death grip’ or ‘strangle hold’ Kiwis will be relieved that our reserve bank are not following the upward movement of various other countries borrowing rates. Let us hope that the head of our Reserve Bank, Dr. Alan Bollard’s interest is not enhanced when he hears the throttled gurgling of first home borrowers.