Nothing

It’s not that I have run out of ideas, oh !! no no no, I just wondered if I could write about absolutely nothing. (“He’s done that every week for the last twelve months,” I hear you saying) I remember doing the duties of auctioneer at a charity auction some years ago. People had been generous with their donations and we had fifty odd lots going under the hammer. Problem was, lot number 16 had been withdrawn so I had a choice, move from lot 15 to 17 or the alternative, much more challenging, attempt to sell nothing. I did the latter and bidding for lot 16, absolutely nothing at all, was spirited and brisk. We achieved a last bid of sixteen dollars, and attempted to squeeze a further donation from the new owner of nothing, by offering to gift wrap nothing for a small charge. Which brings me to another incident in the business of nothing. An ancient Aunt of mine told me the story of her cruise ship holiday to the Islands. In those days the huge liners anchored off shore and passengers wanting to explore a particular Island were ferried in by life boats. Just before departure the Islanders would paddle out to the ship and barter with the passengers. My Aunt was offered a large box of Island chocolates, all she had to do was throw the required coins into the sea , watch the islanders dive for the money. The box of chocs would be pulled up to the boat on a string. Auntie opened the sweets after they had put to sea and discovered neatly packaged, mouth watering, nothing.
Farmers in Europe continue to receive subsidies, one such payment is for setting aside up to thirty percent of an individual’s land area. The subsidy is, not surprisingly, called ‘set aside’ and has been available to farmers for many years. Currently you can earn $459.59 per annum for every acre of land growing absolutely nothing. Americans living in the Texas rice belt collected a whopping $37million in crop payments a couple of seasons ago. The secret to drawing part of this substantial subsidy is knowing that your particular (large or small) plot was at some time during the last 65 years growing a crop of rice. If such is the case you will also receive an annual payment for growing nothing. Speaking of the USA, I once read a wonderful story about an American farmer who found out that he could make a reasonable living by not rearing hogs. He discovered that the government subsidy for not raising 50 hogs was $1000, being a prudent investor he decided to begin his business venture by not raising 4000 hogs. He had no idea which was the best breed not to rear but he did find out that his 4000 animals would not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. As luck would have it the government were also paying farmers for not growing corn which meant that he could claim payments for not growing the corn that he was not going to feed his 4000 hogs.( Nothing ventured nothing gained.)
I can happily report that nothing has been very kind to us over the years, we once bought a house for next to nothing and we actually were given a house for removal for absolutely nothing. Mind you, we spent the whole of one summer doing it up and eventually sold it, minus expenses and made nothing.
I heard a story the other day about Ma and Pa’s frequent trips down to Levin. Apparently
Pa was quite partial to a wee tipple and frequently stopped the car to, supposedly, check the water temperature. The bonnet was lifted and the bottle that cheers was surreptitiously guzzled.
Hard to believe but Ma did not realise that on this particular model the motor was at the rear of the vehicle. Pa had a great trip, Ma knew nothing.
Our second daughter has the final word, having been given an empty envelope she announced, ‘There’s something not in it’, which is delightful toddler logic for ‘nothing’.